Last night I had a fabulous meeting with my Victory Circle, a women's group that I facilitate. (Visit www.victorycircles.com to learn all the details) So, our conversation topic was Freedom from Fear. Not a bad thing to deal with before we all go into the New Year with our big plans and rock-solid resolutions!
I wanted to share a few things from the reading that we did together. Each item is a step you can take to overcome the fears that are holding you back in life. It doesn't really matter whether a fear is big or small, personal or professional, rational or irrational - no one who lives in fear is truly free. We all feel afraid at times, that's unavoidable, but as Katherine Patterson sagely said, “To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.”
1. Take Small Steps
This is good for fear that can seem overwhelming at first. For instance the strong feeling – it can almost feel like a flight or fight response – just before public speaking or asking someone out for a date. A solution is to take small steps instead. A small step could be just saying ‘hi’ to people if you’re afraid of more vulnerable interactions. Small steps let you gradually de-sensitize yourself to whatever you are afraid of. You build courage and expand your comfort zone. So, identify your fear. Then make a plan with some smaller steps you can take to gradually lessen your discomfort.
2. Get Concrete, Positive Motivation to take Action
It can take time to get to the stage where you really feel that you need to stop waiting – or stop reading one self-help book after another. But there always comes a point for action. One way to get moving is to replace some of your negative thoughts with clear, positive reasons to move past your fear. Take 5 minutes and take out a piece of paper and a pen. Write down all the wonderful ways that overcoming a fear will improve your life. Lack of motivation can keep you stuck. Writing down all the amazing things you will gain by conquering this fear can be empowering. Focus on those positive things to get motivated and inspired. “A cheerful frame of mind, reinforced by relaxation... is the medicine that puts all ghosts of fear on the run.” George Matthew Adams. Wise words indeed.
3. See Failure and Rejection in a New Light
Often it’s easy to avoid something difficult because we fear failure and rejection. We may fear failure when starting in a new career. Or rejection from friends and family if we fail at a task. The definition of failure we are brought up with in society might not be the best and most useful to have. If you look at the most successful people you quickly notice that they have a different response to failure than most of us. They don’t take failure or rejection that seriously. They know it’s not the end of the world if they fail. Instead they look at each failure and see the good part about it: what they can learn from it and improve upon next time. Winners have an abundance mentality. They know that if their first business venture fails they can try again. Don’t be afraid! Listen to the advice that failure gives you - and you will improve… And success will come.
4. Practice living in the now
Don’t let your thoughts and emotions constantly run away to the future or the past. Being in the now means not getting your mind stuck in a psychological headspace that is focused on things you have no control over. It means not dwelling on what has gone wrong before - and what could go wrong tonight or tomorrow. Such thinking will only ramp up your fear to the point where you feel unable to do anything. Make your plans. Cover all the bases. Then just be. Focus on the now and what needs to be done in the moment. The future will be the present soon enough. And when you arrive there, it will be much easier to get things done with a minimal amount of stress and fear in your mind. Mark Twain said “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened!” So, focus on the present moment. Enjoy life. Love people. Build a legacy. And strive for peace of mind.
5. Stop Fighting Fear and Understand It
We can’t truly overcome something we don’t understand. Without getting into ‘analysis paralysis’, try to understand where your fears come from and what they take away from the richness of life. When you are faced with fear, observe the feeling of panic or dismay in your mind and body without labeling or judging it. Acceptance, and the ability to understand your fear instead of fighting it, will allow your body to process and release it. Madame Curie wisely stated, “Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.”
6. Redefine your Reality
To overcome fear, you have to be prepared and willing to redefine yourself. Try new things and practice until you push past your fears. No one can do it for you. By reframing your feelings and environment you may be able to make something that seems big and scary come back into focus. Everyone is addicted to their own personality and their way of seeing the world. Evolving from rigidity to being flexible and positive can lessen your fear of what might happen in a new, unfamiliar situation. Remember that your world is really a mirror of you. Change will be hard if you deep down still think, “I am a shy, awkward, unsuccessful, negative, scared person.” An old story tells of a man imprisoned in the dark who feared a snake in the corner of his room. One time – for a brief moment – light came in and he saw that what he feared was only a rope. After that, although his situation remained the same, he could never again fear the rope. His reality did not change, but his perception did. If you are prepared and ready to change, you can rewrite what you perceive as the truth about yourself and your personality, thoughts, actions and emotions.
I LOVE this quote by Marianne Williamson and it sums up my feelings about what's at stake when you let fear get the best of you:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson
